I’ve been struggling recently at work with the feeling that my job is just too big for me. God has this huge plan, and I can’t possibly keep up and do justice to the vision. I’m doomed to failure before I start and I’m terrified that I’ll stand in the way of what God is trying to do. (Hmmm…does that sound like it’s all about me?) It hits me sometimes like a weight on my chest, and I feel short of breath. I hunkered down two days ago and said “God, what’s the word? Give me a little something to hang on to, that will reassure me that I’ll be OK.” I dove into a book of spiritual readings, fully expecting to land on the perfect one that would banish my fear and send me out armed and ready for whatever came my way… but I didn’t find it. I was lamenting to a friend that I still struggle to talk to God constantly throughout my day, and keep him in the middle of all I do. I wonder if that’s the thing. It’s not about slapping a spiritual “band-aid” on with the perfect word scripted for me. It’s not a temporary fix and pat on the back to say “it’ll all be good, just relax.” It’s in the daily work — the choice to pick my head up when I’m spinning, and ask God if I’m still with him or racing on my own. It’s my active relationship with God — where talking to him is my first response and not just for crisis-solving. Maybe if I just engage in this “work” moment by moment, my ears will become better tuned to him and his plan instead of my own panicked “to-do” list.